On Daydreams and Decision Making

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In Seattle, it doesn’t get warm until 4pm. All morning it’s cold, and the sun rises late, and just when you think the day is over the clouds clear away and it’s bright again. It only rained three times from September to Mid-October, something unheard of until this Autumn when we moved here. Smoky air from wildfires made me cough while walking down the street. I wore a t-shirt outside in September while my family in New Jersey had five days of ceaseless rain. You can find a bold, thick bouquets of dahlias for sale any day, in any neighborhood, for only $10. I guess I’m trying to say it’s different than what I expected, but also exactly what I thought it would be. I know, it’s confusing for me too.

Something about this city makes me feel like I lived here in a past life. Like I was a grumpy teen who nobody understood, who found solace in the dense clouds and coffee shops on every block. Maybe I was a kid running around Cal Anderson Park, weaving in and out of 20-something goths wearing platform Docs in the middle of summer, Depeche Mode blaring from their oversized headphones, smiling. I could have been a crow, or a seagull, or a hawk flying parallel to the cars on route 405 climbing their way up to some state park to go hiking. Or maybe I just dreamed it all, in my bed in Blue Anchor, seeing a blurred vision of me somewhere else, and tried to will it into existence.

It’s dangerous to cling so tight to the absolution of a daydream. I used to think, I’ll come to Seattle and my life will fall into place. I’ll fit in. I’ll find someone who loves me, and I’ll love them. I’ll relish in the beauty around me and the wide sky and feel all of my deep dark feelings. And here I am, and my life doesn’t have a clear path, and I have a job I didn’t know existed until three months ago, and I’m already deeply in love. I’ve long since found a community. I don’t really need to look for all of those things, because they’re already here.

Somehow, I’ve created this happy and whole self along the way, even in the places I longed to escape from. Being in Seattle is like a simultaneous dream come true and reality check. Even though I’m so proud of finally getting to where I always thought I needed to be, that version of myself, the one I crafted so intricately in my daydreams as a kid, isn’t real, and doesn’t need to be.

It’s allowed to exist, the mourning and the gratitude, all at once.

I guess I’ll just keep surprising myself with how things work out. Even though I’ve accepted that Seattle alone won’t complete me, I still love it so, so much. I’m just a sucker for dark weather and deep feelings… I guess some things never change.